I’ve always been confused about extremists that I finally decided to group them in two: black and white. Black suggests people who are selfish, irresponsible, and inflict pain upon themselves and others. White suggests people who are too afraid to live outside their moral, sin-free life.
But is life really shoved in two corners? Can’t we not be responsible, moral human beings while being successful, respected, and loved by society?
They are hopeless if they do not see the beautiful spectrum of colors that is life, that is between Black and White.
Lost in Black Thoughts:
One. Two. Three. The room erupted in an explosive dance. The music and lyrics sent an electrifying vibe throughout the dance floor. Each person became a torch of fiery passion creating a magical connected circle of stunned worshippers. Manic. Chaos. Release. It was a playground for liberation outside social and moral chains.
I traced the contours of the swaying bodies underneath the glittery clothes as I strode from one person to another. My eyes pierce through their souls and soon, I was looking at the movie of their lives.
He was having an affair with Ecstasy to forget his marital problems. She was setting her body on fire to liberate herself from her parents’ constant tight grip. He had a fetish for sensuous strippers who gave him endless gratification; more than his docile wife could ever give. She craved attention and affection; resulting in the countless seductions of men.
This was where fantasies found a home with reality.
I come here often as an observer. I’m a psychiatrist who’s intrigued by why people put themselves in constant strings of self-destructive acts: decadence, drugs addiction, adultery, prostitution, theft, lust… I help patients who have lost themselves in so many ways and are too strung to come back. Temptation dazzles their minds and ignites their suppressed desires that sometimes I have to fight with their devils to detach from their temporal whims.
Firstly, I ask them: Tell me about your childhood; and I join their journey as they try to extract disintegrated memories from here and there. As I get off that bus stop, I travel to their adolescent life and question the dreams and desires that surrounded their thoughts. They confide in me all their frustrations, the shattered dreams, the abused parents, the financial stresses, and it goes downhill from there. How did they end up in this deep black hole? A hole that sucks their energies, morals, and dreams and leaves their hearts hollow? It is a weakness that affirms that there is no way to uplift the soul except in this disordered frenzy. Why couldn’t they have been stronger in difficult situations? What makes these destructive choices so spellbinding that they accept their fates and broken dreams?
A temporary sexy rush, filled with a mad explosion of the senses that bedazzles their whims. Constantly looking for something newer, bolder, beautiful bodies, artificial glamour, ultra manic… a way to make life better and better in materialistic means… losing a bit of reality on the way, a bit of themselves until one day their hearts burn so deep, the black hole leaves an emptiness in their hearts they can never fill. One candle remains flickering: “There’s something missing in my heart”; but they have no clue what it is, for the darkness has engulfed most of their thoughts…
I jot down these thoughts in my notebook; where the last couplet I read was:
Hell is in an empty heart.
- Kahlil Gibran
Lost in White Thoughts:
She clutched her rosaries as her voice quivered, uttering the Divine name with feverish repetition. She was taught to pray from a very young age; both her parents were very religious and strict – and they made sure their lives followed all religious principles. She knew no other life.
She rolled her prayer mat and looked out the window; moonlight flirting with the darkness of her room. She pondered a lot about her life, God, and why she was meant to live. The brilliance of the Celestine manifested the magnificence of God and His immaculately designed Creations. The Holy Book also states much preference to humans; for God blew part of His soul into them.
She loved God for all His blessings. Yet… thoughts tingled her logic and questioned her: are we here only to recite the Holy Book and finish hundreds of rounds of rosary readings? Why Had God sent us a Holy Book? As she scrutinized the Divine book, she kept wondering about the world outside. It kept encouraging her to wander around Earth to experience God’s miracles. It served as a motivator for achieving noble dreams - whatever they may be - and having faith that God will help every step of the way. It reprimanded people who hurt others and berated their aspirations.
Why then is she all alone, everyday, every night, in her room uttering prayers when actions are the drivers of faith?
Her parents were strict from an early age: no interaction with men, having veiled from the age of 9, were firm believers that women should not be educated (because of mixed universities these days) and should stay at home and be obedient to her parents (working is not allowed because it arises temptations in her male colleagues). Her marriage will be matchmade to a pious man (preferably an imam of the mosque) and she will render lots of children to continue the faith.
Looking out the window and gazing at the stars up above, she wondered about her uneventful life: had she experienced God’s wonder around the Earth? Did her feet get tingled as the oceanic waves brush up against her? Had she ever looked out from the mountaintop across the vastness of the lands? Will she achieve something so grand in her life that she will be remembered for? Can she share these thoughts with another human being?
Thoughts played in her mind… yet she was scared. Never been out of the confines of this lifestyle, she knew not how to handle the outside world. Her parents were frantic about every step, every mistake. Was she not human, after all? It seemed to her that her life was too safe and predictable, promising a seat in Heaven yet what did she do that truly deserved recognition? Couldn’t she contribute to society while keeping her faith? Who will run our world if every person decides to build up a secluded shack to worship all his life?
As she rummaged through her white thoughts, she sensed a spark compelling her otherwise. Consuming her with curiosity to explore, pushing her to run for her dreams, be strong at protecting it, and having a deep faith that God will never falter a believer who seeks to make a difference in this world.
Temptation.
Coercion.
Faith.